Zaraki Kenpachi Does Not Giggle
by TheCiz
Summary: Possible Spoilers for up to Episode 135. One Shot.


_Disclaimer: I only own Bleach characters in plushie or key chain form. No more, no less, sadly._

Author's Note: This, I blame on the fanficrants community; namely half_life_wolf, who brought such a horrible idea to my attention. So, this I dedicate to half_life_wolf and to the mighty fanficrants community: inspiring me with bad fic since 2006.

_Zaraki Kenpachi Does Not Giggle_

Sprawled languidly across the parched, browning grass of late summer, Madarame Ikkaku stared at the empty sake bottle in front of him with an unusual amount of thought. He was angry at himself and thus distracted, even though he knew he shouldn't be. Iba would be back with more booze any second and would notice at once. Ikkaku couldn't stand the thought of someone like Iba getting one over on him. It was the sort of frustration he had felt before, only the feeling had intensified since Aizen's betrayal. What was the point of getting stronger if there was no one good to fight?

Things like this didn't usually bother him, but that was because of Yumichika's uncanny ability to hinder his thought process. Ever since they'd got back from the real world, however, Yumichika had been acting odd. He was spending a lot of time at 12th Division, prattling on when Ikkaku did see him about the beauty of food and how stunning some girl called 'Rin' thought he looked in an apron. Ikkaku had learned long ago that when it came to Yumichika and these sorts of things, he shouldn't want to know.

Ikkaku decided that he had spent altogether too much time in the real world. Compared to Soul Society, where nothing in the two weeks he had been back had happened apart from sparring and drinking, it was buzzing. Kuchiki Rukia, who had patrolled Karakura Town before the whole Aizen situation, had told him that there hadn't always been so many strong hollows to keep them occupied. Still, Ikkaku found himself missing life at the Asano household. Even if that crazy bitch Mizuho had made his life hell, there had been enough fighting to make up for it. He wouldn't even mind wearing one of those gay-ass shirts…

A shadow fell over him, and he looked up to see Iba giving him a weird face. He looked almost frightened. Ikkaku frowned. "The hell's up with your face? Your stomach freaking out already? Shit, Iba, Seventh Division's made you go soft."

Instead of the smart ass retort he was expecting, Iba took a few steps back. Ikkaku counted the empty sake bottles that lined the ground around them – they weren't that drunk. Feeling downright confused now, he looked over at the ridge that Iba had fixed his eyes on. For a few seconds he couldn't see anything, the setting sun just behind it saw to that, but then a dark figure immerged. A sinister, beastly form whose shadow towered over the two, as if trying to suffocate them. Ikkaku breathed a sigh of relief: it was only the Captain.

He grabbed one of the fresh bottles from Iba's trembling hands and smiled to himself, the problem solved. While sipping at it, though, the contented expression turned back to confusion. Why hadn't he been able to sense that the Captain was standing there all that time? Unless he'd learned to conceal his reiatsu, which Ikkaku kind of doubted, he should have been able to feel him coming several miles off. He frowned again; this was why he didn't like to spend more time thinking than fighting. Then again, why the hell was Iba so afraid of the Captain all of a sudden? The fact that he hadn't hunted him down the very moment he made Seventh Division Lieutenant should have told Iba that he didn't care. Perhaps the Captain's reiatsu was the source of his stomach pains?

Ikkaku didn't have anymore time to think it over, though, as he choked violently on his drink. He had heard it. It started soft at first, low and unassuming. He had brushed it off as a passing bird. Then its frequency increased, as did its pitch. It was creeping up and around Ikkaku in a way that he could not ignore. He was horrified. It had become almost hysterical. But, most frightening of all, it had begun to sound girly. Ikkaku had never been more terrified in his life. This noise violated the one constant in his life; the one thing he could always rely on. The statement haunted Ikkaku's mind, as he couldn't begin to even comprehend how it could be true.

Zaraki Kenpachi did not giggle.

---

There was pleasant weather that day and so, deciding to take a break from his administrative duties, Kuchiki Byakuya was taking an evening stroll. It was pointless to do paperwork with even the slightest of fatigue. Such foolishness could lead to mistakes, and Byakuya was not one to sully the Kuchiki name by having everyone think its Head was illiterate. Besides, he didn't think he could take listening to Renji tell of how he valiantly slayed thirty arrancar (the day had started with three and worsened as it progressed) to the younger squad members a moment longer. Out here, in the sprawling hills of Rukongai, it was quiet and he was thankful for it. There was to be another Captain's meeting later that evening; to go with a headache would be unbecoming.

Byakuya's peace, however, was short lived. Someone had raised their reiatsu not too far from his current position. It was obviously of Captain level, and more than familiar. Sighing, Byakuya decided to investigate. If disorder broke out so near to where he was, doing nothing would be unacceptable. He resented the fact he had to keep cleaning up other people's problems.

Two quick shunpo revealed the source of the disturbance. No sooner had he arrived than he recognised Seventh Division's Iba and Eleventh's Madarame running towards him. His mood didn't improve when they did not address him and breathed liquor as they passed. Above, there was Zaraki Kenpachi, and it appeared as if he was giggling. Byakuya was distinctly unimpressed.

"It would appear the act requires more work, Lieutenant Kusajishi."

On those words, a pink blur sprang up from behind Zaraki, settling on his shoulder with a pout. "Byakushi!"

Zaraki rolled his eye with a grunt, looking to Yachiru with a bored expression. "What did you expect? You think the wonderful Captain Kuchiki is as much of an idiot as Ikkaku? Nobody's that bad."

"But, Ken-chan," she protested, bouncing up and down on his shoulders in a way that made Byakuya feel oddly nauseous, "Do you think we cheered up Cue Ball?"

"Probably not." Zaraki muttered, looking disinterested already.

"Oh…" Yachiru's frown was short lived. "Ah, Bya-chan, will you help me think of a way to cheer Pachinko Head up?"

Kuchiki Byakuya, however, had already shunpoed far away. Renji's endless exaggerations were much better than this.


End file.
